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It feels like I'm on vacation. A very long vacation. A very long working vacation. I keep waiting for my flight back home because Portland has to be temporary, right? This is all some crazy dream and I'm going to wake up any second. This cannot be real. And yet, I'm still here. Still working, sleeping, eating, exercising, dating, living. It all feels so normal, and in a city that is also so normal. It's normal that it's weird. Moving 2,800 miles from home shouldn't be so easy. Some days are lonelier than others. This weekend was a very painful slump. Between becoming an aunt (!!!), liking a boy, getting a full-time job, and running four miles a day every day (finally), I lost it. That glue that holds together my emotional and mental sanity just disappeared and I was left as one sad little puppy. The best way I can describe it is to say I simply got suddenly and unavoidably tired. I feel better now though. A night of snuggling and a day of napping made it all better. Regardless of all the good Portland has brought me, I still miss the comforts of home. I like my new friends but I crave my old. I hated my old job, especially when compared to the new one, but I miss it anyway. The familiar can be so calming. Nothing is familiar here, nothing is calming. I feel on guard everywhere I go. I even miss my crazy family. Now that's desperation. I only want to go home and yet I won't. People will say that I'm brave and strong and yet I'm not. I'm not brave if I don't realize what I'm doing and I'm not strong if I don't have a choice. What would I do if I went back home? Exactly: nothing. Might as well stay on vacation. The weather is nice here. The food is good. And the people are crazy, but at least they're entertaining. Soon enough Portland will feel like home. And then I'll move somewhere else. Lather, rinse, repeat. |
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Lessons LearnedFebruary 28, 2005 |
Lessons learned from The Bachelorette (or why I hate John Paul): 1) Stable and secure men are for scared and scorned women. I'd rather be in a rocky relationship with a man who made me tingle than be in a safe relationship with a man who didn't. I have only been interested in safe men after bad breakups but I never want to be with them when life has been good. 2) Fairy tale endings are so passe. Sweet-talking is so last year. I want to hear about reality. Relationships can feel great but they come with some hesitation, a few rough spots and a lot of baggage. I want to know that the man I'm with loves me but I also want to know when he's afraid, sad, or fucking pissed off. 3) A good man comes with flaws. If he gives me an awful present, gets sloppy with his kisses or says the wrong thing and I love him anyway, we're a-ok. If he tries too hard to be perfect, something is definitely wrong. 4) Screw the fantasy. I want to eat pizza, not sushi. I want goofy jokes, not rehearsed proposals. I want to laugh so hard that my abs burn with pain. I want to get margarita balloons as presents. I want something fun and relaxed and normal. I'm not Cinderella. I wear sneakers, not glass slippers. 5) There's always someone else. That doesn't mean anyone is cheating but, face it, I see hot guys every god damn day. Sometimes I smile at them, other times I flirt. I might go so far as to kiss them often and on camera if I'm on an ABC reality show. I might be tempted to stray but I want just one man. I just don't always know which one. 6) This probably won't work out. Most relationships fail. I know this. I have a long list of ex-boyfriends. I know the score. But I can enjoy what I have and learn when I screw up. And when this probably ends, we can try to be friends but don't expect it to stop hurting. |
also...Heather is visiting in six days! And I'm retarded. I suddenly wish I wouldn't have gotten a tattoo. Hmm. I'm over it.
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